Just Do It

Battling for months with this ongoing uneasiness with life and where I want to be and who I want to be and all that existential garbage prone to a paranoid, absurdly self-aware, judgmental being, I have finally concluded that I need to "Just Do It."* Not only does this apply to my career, but to everything in life. For too long I've been scared to just leap into something without knowing exactly what the outcome will be and not fearing it wholeheartedly with the nerves of a tadpole. So in my continuous attempts to better my situation I shall try a different approach. No more excuses, no more talking, no more half-assed attempts, it's game time. I got my helmet on, and I look ridiculous but I don't care. Complaining about things is starting to wear on my nerves, and I'm sure my friends would not be completely opposed to never hearing me say, "I need to get outta there," ever again. Sorry guys. Also, I really need to focus time on creativity. I haven't written anything decent in months... Infuriating writer's block is to blame for this horrid dry spell. However, so is laziness and apathy, two emotions I've been all to found of for the last few weeks. It's so easy to just not care. It's so easy to just let things happen and not focus on goals. Goals. What a scary word. It has so many weird, complex connotations. It means so much, but can also be so fleeting. Anyway, I need to dedicate time to doing something I've grown to love beyond words haha get it... cuz it's writing. Sigh. Clinging to that ounce of passion I know is floating around in me somewhere I've got to get my drive back. I also think I need to get out of the city for a little bit to help me put things in perspective. I feel like with the constant motion of Brooklyn and Manhattan it's definitely easy to loose a little bit of yourself amongst all the flashing lights, all the moody people, all the sounds. I need to go somewhere not so... loud- all that racket- yes, I'm 85.
Well thanks for reading everyone, I really do appreciate you taking the time out to read my narcissistic indulgences.


Story of my life.

***Let it be known I denounce any affiliation with Nike, for obvious political/moral reasons. Damn them for creating such a relevant tag line.***

I'm out.

Helloooo NY!!!

I'm baaack!

Packing for my move was so strange. Everything that I experienced and lived in VA was also getting packed away in a different sense, and as I folded clothes and shoved books into my book bag I began to grasp the infallible change that has occurred within me these last months. It really has been like a story, with a definitive beginning, middle, and end along with rising action, klymaxx (haha), and all the rest. And what an extraordinary ending. I left on such a fantastic note.
So here's my life in VA packed away in suitcases and such...

Note how uneasily neat everything appears. It reminds me of Nietzsche's Appolinian/Dionysian feuding dualities. A violently raging, chaotic reality beneath an appearance of perfect serenity.

After months of rehabilitation and self-discovery I find myself back where I started, in the place where it all began- a slowly deteriorating house in Yonkers. Being here makes me feel strange. Not exactly like I'm reverting back to who/what I was before, but a certain sinking feeling, like staying here for any extended amount of time (more than 3 days) will eventually lead to self-destruction. Luckily, I am not staying here, but moving into my apartment in Brooklyn. However, when that is has not been discussed which makes me a tad nervous and slightly irritated. Alas, I cannot complain for my family has been such an extraordinarily dependable entity in my life.

For these past months I have been slightly withdrawn from certain emotional connections for (to me) obvious reasons, but have since shed that defense mechanism because though being numb is sometimes necessary, being in a constant state of aloofness is just plain unhealthy. Though I thought I was protecting myself, there was something I knew was missing. I wasn't entirely whole because I kept myself from feeling. Gah, I love learning. Isn't life awesome?!


And now I am ready to take on the big city! There are so many things I want to realistically accomplish, so again I'm planning and executing. You can call me the executioner (only if you so desire).

I shall leave you with a song I am currently infatuated with...

I LOVE THEM.


I'm out.