You're Hired!

I shall get back to you about my hip hop research as I have yet to conduct it due to well... extenuating circumstances such as trying to find a new apartment/job, etc. I wanted to update because I want to share with you yet another aspect of society that completely baffles me- the interviewing process. In retrospect I suppose it makes sense. It's a way of figuring out whether a candidate is going to fit into your company or not, based on carefully constructed questions that- okay, now I'm lying. Some of these questions asked are seriously a form of psychological torture. Racking your brain for what seems like an eternity to answer the simple question, "Why do you want this job?" is proof enough of this ongoing conspiracy. You can never answer too honestly in an interview or you won't be considered. There are certain things these recruiters want to hear from you and I suppose it's a way of testing your will. How willing are you to do so much research on the company and the person interviewing you to mold your answers exactly to their liking without sounding like an automated system or a complete psycho? Very willing? You're hired.  Inquiring about, "What kind of animal would you be and why?" makes my head spin. Excuse me? How is this going to help you understand whether or not I know how to make copies, file, or mail something?! I know it's also to make sure companies don't hire unstable introverts, or lazy, careless people, but you have to agree, some of the questions are a bit awkward.

I'm going to list some of the most horrendous question (and my favorite non-question*) below with some answers that would be sure to get you a spot in the morning cooler conversation the next day. Probably not a job, though.
Before I continue I just want to post this disclaimer:
At least I know what NOT to say, right? But seriously, if you are a potential employer, this is all in jest. I promise I'm not insane. And I don't candy flip, nor am I a drunk. Cheers.
Without further adieu:


What is your greatest weakness?
Chocolate. If there were secrets your company wanted me to keep, and a rival company offered me a Tobleron, well, say goodbye to those secrets. I also have an extremely short attention span. Board meetings lasting over 15 minutes would be hard for me to sit through... unless, of course, there's some Justin Bieber playing behind the presentation or some bright lights flashing- ohhh a disco ball!

What do you find are the most difficult decisions to make?
One time I had to decide whether or not to go to this amazing rave or finish my research paper in order to graduate. After going over a list of pro's and con's of attending this party and potentially not graduating I decided to party. You only live once right? It was fine though, because after I got back from the party I finished the paper. Yeah, I was still a little buzzed from candy flipping, but I was proud of myself for getting the work done, though you really couldn't understand the last part. It was kind of all over the place. So if there was a decision between partying and work, I'd always choose the party. I guess that's not too difficult.

Do you take work home with you?
If by "work", you mean "coworkers", then all the time. I'm joking! I'm joking (whispers and winks) kind of. But no I would never do that. I hate working at home.

What has been the greatest disappointment in your life?
Had to be when Sandra Bullock won that Oscar. It was like- "Really?! C'mon."

Tell me about yourself. *
I'm 22, and when I graduated I had such high expectations of the "real world," but was quickly disheartened by the amount of stupidity in positions of power. I love horror movies and drinking. I have to have a shot before work or I won't make it through the morning. I haven't missed a happy hour since August '09. People sometimes piss me off to a point where I'm compelled to physically hurt them. I think once I was arrested 5 times in one week for assault. Proudest week of my life. I enjoy long walks on the beach, with a forty of course, throwing sand on happy couples, and cheering for the fighting ones. I love calling out of work last minute and hearing the next day how they had to scramble to get someone to cover for me. If it weren't for money I would never work. Oh and Charles Manson is my role-model.

If the people who know you were asked why you should be hired, what would they say?
There would never be a dull moment in your office. She loves waging psychological warfare in the workplace.

HIRE ME!!




I'm out.