Alright Alright

So it seems my paranoia has not let up as much as I would have liked. It still shows itself in sneaky ways and I don't realize it's paranoia until too late. sigh. So, my blog name still holds true. I am very much still a paranoid. However, I have gotten tons better considering I don't cower at the thought of happiness. I used to think if I was happy it was all going to come crashing down within minutes. If I allowed my self to just be in the moment and happy, everything would go horribly wrong and it would me my fault! I'm sick. I know. I'm working on it... actively. In the past I always told myself I was "working" on whatever it is that perpetuates these feelings, but now I'm realizing that simply recognizing that it's there is not enough! I need to actively fight these feelings. Also, I think I was harboring these feelings because i felt like they were apart of me, of my personality. Like, "oh, that's chris, she's cool. she's paranoid." horrible.
In other news-
I already got promoted at my new job and i haven't even started yet! haha. i'm going to be a team leader whatever the hell that means, but it sounds cool. I really like my boss she seems super nice. Life's good right now and I'm enjoying it. All I need to do now is get out of my aunt's. she's taken to bothering me about eating again, and of course has something to say about my fervent desire to get out of the house. Let me go people! Let me go!

Sleepily Deepily

I am exceptionally tired today. No idea why. I mean, I have been waking up early and going to bed late, but I never felt this drained. I guess it's finally catching up with me. I went on the one on one interview today and went through that tedious questioning process that is suppose to give the employer an insight into who i am- bs. i hate interviews. i do like meeting people though, but interviews just seem so contrived.
what am i doing!? i need to go to sleep before i pass out at work tonight.

more later.

signing off.

Grrrrl you so DIESEL

So, I went to my interview at and I think it went really well. The crowd I was with though was underwhelming and I'm hoping I didn't get swallowed up in their blah haha. I had a good time though, there were some really cool people there. I seem to get along better with guys though. Not sure why. And why is it so hard to be friends with guys? there are all these like preconceived notions and this futile pressure because you're a guy and i'm a girl. redic. oh! i met someone while i was waiting for the bus today. he came up to me and asked if the bus came and i told him it had. then he walked over a few feet away from me broke out his laptop and headphones and proceeded to break it down right there on the sidewalk. i mean, he was doin some choreoGRAPHY, it was fabulous. so now we're friends on twitter... kind of. i'm following him. whatevs, i'm proud of myself for talking to a stranger. Woop, there goes everything i learned in kindergarten.
I'm watching housewives of atlanta and i think they forgot to bleep out kim saying muthafucka. HILARIOUS. so good.
i need new music like whoa. gah it's so annoying not having any idea how to use downloading websites. i'm such a . Sigh. I need to make a lot of money quick. Maybe I should start playing the lotto. I'm hungry. I'm always hungry.

I love them.
Random.
What should I write about? lalalala
I should probably get a grip huh? NAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
OMG. Can we talk about how petty the housewives are? I guess not. It is a show after all.
Ummmm CONFESSION: I kinda would like to meet PC from NYC Prep. Yes, i'm a twelve year old. Speaking of 12 year olds, twilight's new movie is coming out soon-gag choke cough vomit. Oh and can someone please tell hollywood to hold off on romantic comedies for a while- and for a while i mean stop making them completely. ugh they're so STUPID!!!
I need a new hobby. Maybe i'll start collecting stamps. These are cool...

I do want to start reading comic books. Like for reals. Okay... I'm babbling.
I'm out!

Spoke n Heard

I went to this awesome place last night called bus boys and poets. I fell in love a lot-- I love words. It was so much fun and I got to know my coworkers a little better. We planned to go out saturday night and maybe even to tryst some time this week. Sigh. I like friends. It makes not living on my own that much more bearable. I think I might perform next week for open mike, but we'll see.
I'm looking for big people jobs now. I've had enough of this waiting around. I'm starting to apply for research assistant jobs, because I dunno, I guess i'm kinda interested in that. not knowing what i want is really infuriating, but i have to use my brother-in law's advice and just go through that tedious process of elimination. hopefully i won't get discouraged in the process. Oh! I got a job at FORD's Theatre

How rad is that?!
I'm also interviewing with Diesel tomorrow, which ought to be interesting. I already know what I'm wearing haha. Purple pencil skirt, white button down, black vest, black leggings, hot black boots, sexy attitude. that last one you can't see, but oh you'll feel it.
The new Diesel campaign is strange and wonderful and i just had to know who was behind it. Well i found out who photographed it, Jason Nocito. His photos are incredible. I think i'm going to surf the web for awesome photos instead of being productive. Sigh. It's so much more fun than being a grown up, negating responsibility, laughing at normalcy, all the while spiraling-- more like plummeting into nonexistence.
stupid life.

Halloween: Where's Mike Meyers?

So I got up this morning after suffering from the worst headache I have ever experienced, strangely well rested. I went through my morning ritual, newmans cereal and TV until I have to start getting ready for work. Well i was eating my cereal and i saw that Halloween III: Season of the Witch was on HBO. Ohhh I thought! A nice slasher movie before work would so me some good. It was horrifyingly...boring. I was flipping back and forth between that, the majestic and one of many of my guilty pleasures- the rachel zoe project. I gave up on the movie after realizing it was not my favorite slasher thriller, but instead a mundane murder mystery that should have stayed in the eighties. The Majestic I hadn't seen and realized maybe that wasn't the worst thing ever. I mean, it's not something I would run out and buy on DVD, but it wasn't unwatchable. The Rachel Zoe Project is awesome. The fashion, the made up words, my favorite deer in headlights assistant stylist brad. It's entertaining, plus the fashion is always killer. It's fun to see what rachel will wear every episode. I haven't been watching it religiously, but that will soon change.
Work today at 4. woot. money! haha Maybe I won't be so awkward today... MUAHAHAHA, whatta joke.
Listening to: We Were Born the Mutants Again With Leafling- Of Montreal

Love it.

Canasta Anyone?

My Saturday night was painfully uneventful. It was sadistically comical. My cousin flew in from Charlottesville and her and my two aunts picked me up after an exciting day at work, filled with unnecessary self-brooding. I'm one of those people that thinks everyone hates them until proven otherwise, which is so stressful- I'm working on it. It's so annoying to be that guy. So anyway, I get in the car and immediately there is some kind of dispute. All I can do is sit back and sigh. I get home and I wind up sitting around the table with my two aunts (who I see have broken out the cards) and my cousin. Canasta, they say. Canasta. What the hell is canasta?

They tried to get my cousin and I to play, but we politely declined- the first time they asked. For some reason they continued to ask for like 15 minutes. The polite declining turned into emphatic no's. Then my aunt's sister tried to explain the rules, attempting a new persuasive technique (it didn't work). In her explanation she kept talking about melding. Melding this and melding that. I still have no idea what it is, even after looking it up. Yes i am sadly admitting to looking up the rules of freaking canasta. Never will I learn to play that game.
Amongst all the canasta hoopla my cousin was showing me the joys of comfortable heels like these

And I was trying to figure out under what circumstances I would drop $200 for shoes even if they were cole haan nike airs or whatever.
Finally, after watching them play for about an hour my cousin and i decided it was time to retire. We went upstairs and proceeded to talk about relationships...eh.

It was uncomfortable at first when we were talking about me, but i really enjoyed hearing about her relationship with this guy she's been seeing. they sound like a sitcom. loved it.
Today was ridiculously long. It was my aunt's sister's birthday which was nice. So we celebrated by going to some pier in Maryland to a seafood restaurant where I was a gluttonous heathen and ate everything i laid my eyes on. Now I have a headache. bleh. thanks body. Then we went to this hotel called the Gaylord for a drink. The hotel was really nice and my drink wasn't so bad either.

My cousin had to catch her plane so we rushed her to the airport brushing death at least twenty times on the way. She made her flight so that was good. I fell asleep in the backseat on our way back, but unfortunately woke up before we got home at which point my life flashed before my eyes five more times before we pulled into the safety of the driveway. I thank god for making it home after driving with my aunt and wonder how she manages to not get into a car accident everyday.
Entourage is on tonight. I freaking love that show.
Also, I think i may be coming closer to becoming a more jovial, socially acceptable person. I have fb to thank for that. haha nice.
Okay, I'm off.

Lazy Days

A day off today. It's nice. I like saying I have a day off because that implies I'm working and working is great because that means money. And we all know how important money is, disgustingly important, deceptively important, money scares me. What people do for it. The amount of power it gives people. It's a sordid concept that runs our society. Ah, the joys of capitalism.

Anyway, I've been tearing through the house trying to find scissors to make this necklace out of a shirt I bought.


I may use a razor. For some reason, I can find that and not a pair of scissors. Weird.

I've been watching old episodes of top chef today. I forgot how much I love Carla Hall! I really wish she would've won. She has so much charisma! Oh Carla I was always rooting for you!



I haven't gone to the movies in a while. I want to go see J.Gordon Levitt in 500 days of summer, but i'm still in that stupid post breakup stage where even the thought of lovey dovey movies makes me want to blow chunks everywhere. Well, I guess i was never really a fan of romantic movies... EVER, but now my aversion to them has reached all new levels. Love in general is no longer something i'm searching for? i don't know how to phrase that. Um, it's lost its luster you could say. When I'm walking through the mall and I see couples it takes every fiber in my body not to yell, "It won't last!" or "You think it's nice now! Just you wait!" Sigh. Hopefully, this bitterness will go away soon.


whew... that's pretty intense, eh?

I'm off to make my necklace, hope I can find some frekkin scissors.

The New Addiction

Alright, so this addiction may not be so new, but it's decided to rear its ugly head at the most inopportune time. My $hopping addiction. It starts off with a few pieces I really like, some necessities and then I just spiral out of control. I'm spiraling right now. I just bought these adorable shoes from simple shoes, a site/company which i love because of their use of recycled materials to make their products, plus their company is fun and cares about the planet. It also doesn't hurt that they know how to design an adorable shoe. I bought these...


It was love at first sight.
So today I planned to buy more things, but hopefully today will also conclude my abominable spending.

I need to save so I can move outta here before I completely lose it. Luckily my aunt's sister flew in yesterday so she'll a wonderful distraction for my aunt, which is great.

I keep going to bed late and waking up early, it's very strange. It's a good thing though, right? But I mean, sometimes a girl just wants to sleep until 12, is that so bad?

Work today wooo

Home

Today was actually really awesome. I went to this amazing thrift store in vienna called Unique Thrift and it was, in fact, a unique experience. Upon entering this secondhand oasis through those glorious sliding doors, I was immediately bombarded by a whole bunch of individual stands selling shit like they do in the village. My heart instantly burst. I knew I had found my safe haven. A place to go and unwind after a hard days work and my aunt's constant nagging (which reached all new heights today, but i will get into that later). I looked at my friend with wide doughy eyes, expecting the entire place to vanish like a mirage in the desert. She smiled and told me this was going to be great. I agreed and she asked the most wonderful question, "Should we go straight for the clothes?" Yes I uttered faintly and she whisked me away to the greatest selection of clothing I have ever seen, plus it was cheap! Nowadays "thrift" stores are beginning to call themselves "vintage" stores and jacking up their prices. "A" holes. So I went and spent money there and was not disappointed. I could've spent the entire day there. It was like home.


mmm i like this photo.

Speaking of home, it is getting crazier and crazier living here with my aunt. Just today I felt my usual carefree self trembling from the amount of stress bubbling inside of me. The feelings I keep bottled up have been starting to vehemently try to surface, making me extremely wary of speaking with my aunt. She has been nagging me about eating. nagging me about cooking. nagging me about my clothes. nagging me about my hair. nagging me about LIVING. There's only so much I could take before I turn into the hulk and tear this place down. And her driving is atrocious. I feel my life slipping away from me every time I strap on my seat belt. It's almost comical to put it on. And with every car we cut off on the freeway, every sharp turn she makes, every lane she straddles, I can feel myself getting closer to the end. You know, the ultimate end. I joke around with one of my friends telling her I'm playing russian roulette whenever i get in the car with my aunt. Honestly, it's almost like a rush, like i'm some kind of sick thrill seeker... hmm, maybe i am. Nah, I value my life. My heart is not pumping adrenaline, it's pumping fear.

Work tomorrow. I better head to bed.

Cheers! To New Beginnings!

So this is my new blog I've decided to create because my other blog needs to be more focused on fashion and not so much on my life. This blog however can be as self-indulgent as I like =)

So, I'm 22 and trying to figure out where my place is in this crazy world. Trying not to get consumed by all the chaos and the confusing natures of others/myself. People are continuously baffling me in both positive and negative ways, which is fantastic, because it's fuel for this blog haha.
I have relocated from New York to little ol Northern VA, which isn't so little, but is relatively old, and I'm working at

trying to piece my life together. I love NY, don't get me wrong. It's the city of my dreams with its rough and rugged appeal and beautiful disarray, but after a startling reality check (NYC is effing expensive), I decided that maybe now is not the time to attempt to live in a closet in Crown Heights in hopes of finding something better. I needed a change anyway, it will help with my writing and whatnot I suppose. Being in Northern VA is not so bad, though.
I've been enjoying lots of new experiences here, like my first date after years. It was a lackluster occasion, but of sitcom proportions. The both of us were baffled by how we could have missed what an unlikely pairing we made. He was dead set on being a successful businessman, while I was content with the notion of being a starving artist. He was super nice though. Someone I could see myself being friends with and learning a lot from, but as far as a relationship beyond that? Absolutely not.
I was going on this date thinking it was strictly platonic, but then he kept bringing up the fact I could still be in love with my ex-boyfriend, which made me extremely uncomfortable. He told me the girls he usually dated were blonde and high maintenance, I told him I was into artistic guys, and he could see I was neither blonde nor high maintenance. We stood there at a standstill, fishing for awkward conversation as I knocked back a tall dark beer (he hates dark beer, i love it). I wouldn't even let him pay for my drink. I felt bad because we were going to go to jazz in the park but it was getting late so he drove all this way only to turn back around from the direction we left, so i paid for his beer. I'm pretty sure I bruised his ego, but he seems to be a resilient kind of guy. He told me he has a lot of confidence in himself which I thought was interesting because... well, I won't get into it, but he was no brad pitt, let's leave it at that. Good for him though! I wish I could have that much confidence in myself (ha, that sounds so contrived-but it's not!)
He told me about his sordid past and his philosophy on people: Everyone has baggage, it's what they do with it that makes the person. I thought that was such an interesting concept on feeling people out. Baggage usually has negative connotations, but in what he was telling me, it was merely a driving force. Maybe baggage wasn't the right word, but I understood what he meant and was intrigued by the idea.
OH!!! And his exit strategy was, "My roommate's mom is coming into the airport at 10:30 [which later changed to 11:30 when our conversation picked up] and I want to go with him to pick her up." Whatever. It was cool. So when he left I sat at the table laughing to myself at what an awkward situation I put myself in without even realizing it. What a fool I was, but it was a learning experience. It's about time I jumped back up on the dating horse.
Sigh. I need friends. I don't know anything about this area and the lack of social interaction with my peers I feel will have an irreversible adverse affect on my future relationships with people. Working at Urban is helpful though. I'm meeting people there. This ought to be an interesting new chapter in my life.
Well, that's enough for today, the angle i'm typing at is starting to pain my body.
Until next time.