Can I Haz Zombie Apocalypse?

Image: Battlefieldheroes.com 

Recent news has further confirmed my suspicions that we've been quietly living among zombies for quite some time. I mean, Larry King? Totes a zombie. Now, the truth is out and zombies all across America are feeling more inclined to make themselves known. So, now that the secret's out, a more pressing question emerges, When the heck can I have my zombie apocalypse?!

Hey, that looks like my neighbor... Uh oh. Image: Theurbangrape.com
For years I have been watching zombie movies, preparing for the day when all of the skills I have acquired from the silver screen can be used in reality. For instance: Killing zombies using household items such as shovels, forks, knives, lighter fluid and matches, etc. I've learned that zombies have grown partial to eating faces and not just gnawing on any body part they happen to grab.

Forbes knows quite a bit about bath salts... I WONDER WHY... Image: Forbes.com

I've learned zombies come in all shapes and sizes and can sustain themselves on bath salts. The zombie is a tricky creature, but they're not the sharpest tools in the shed (amiright Mickey Rooney?). All I want is a chance to experience what every hipster from coast to coast seems to think about in all their spare time (well that and what the hell to cook for dinner apparently). I mean, I haven't been doing all that tae-bo and zumba for nothing (I haven't been doing it at all). They cannot be wasted on meager fitness, nay, I need to apply those sweaty exercises (that I have not been doing) to zombie butt-kicking, but how can I do that when the impending zombie apocalypse is just that... impending.  So, zombies, this is a call to arms. Zombies everywhere (here's lookin at you, Nick Nolte-yeesh) come out of the shadows and do what you do best: Eat everyone.



 
Obvi.

Hm... I should probably also start doing said exercises. Ha, that's like a whole other blog post.




I'm out.